running from awake...

Why must you always leave when my dreams end?
you swore that abandonment was a word you didn't know...
promises, damn promises in twilight that sting my eyes
You are the worst of them all, for you I still believe;
Each detail so sweet and real, you are invisible...but I am not
I cannot love you any more, or hate you any less
Confused, perplexed, yet always waiting for sleep to sweep me up into your strong arms.
I cannot miss you..you whom I know better than any other him...
If we passed each other on a crowded street would we know it? Could we possible not?
Would you be man enough to show it? Would I be strong enough to fall to pieces into your arms...only one thing will tell, one meeting, and not these lucid experiences that leave me feeling like something you scraped off the bottom of your lovliest pair of boots...
Oh, leave me, don't keep me prisoner of the night
please, don't leave me...keep me just once upon awakening, and I shall die a happy woman....

Let Me tell you...

Sit, let me tell you a story
about a time, about a place, a feeling, something graceful
and oh so unforgettable; wait--where was it? What was his name?
I sold the rights to these stories when I sold out
When I accepted the bruises and the wicked words, rather than
throwing them back and screaming "no thank you."
Fearless, was that young lass whom I barely can see in my
minds eye...perhaps a new pair of glasses? I'll throw in something extra
for a rose tint this time; this time I want it all, but not at that cost
My soul is up for a second mortgage, and the lender may NOT include rape
As part of the interest fee; I've got an impeccable payment history, just ask
God...I've ALWAYS made my deposit on time, and never complained when the stinging
Of my heart got so brutal that my spine twisted and my brain lost it's way...
Sit, let me share a story with you;
about a girl, about a lovely, beautiful, sweet girl...
Just give me some time, for I can't remember how it begins...

Marjorie Tuttle

FIFTEEN

I remember exactly what I was doing fifteen years ago today, in fact, almost to the hour...you see, we rarely forget falling in love, especially when it is madly, deeply, and perfectly. Some of you may know this kind of love, for it cannot be mistaken with lust or a mere crush, ever. It is as pure as the first winter snow, and as perfect as a fragrant lilly; This love never tarnishes, it only becomes stronger with time--it is a recipe that is closely guarded, but I know that one must add a scoop of trustworthiness, several cupfulls of heaven dust, and there is the unmistakable taste of fairy dust in smaller quantities, but nonetheless it is divine!
Fifteen years ago I held my new loves face, gazing into those dazzling blue eyes, kissing them gently, holding my love to my breast and feeling a warmth so strong within my chest that I was unsure if I would melt or explode!
Over the years, this love has changed...but never wavered; it is ever strong today, even more so, than that day fifteen years ago; if you do not believe in the love I try to explain, know that it is the only true thing in my life, the only constant and beautiful emotion that I can count on...
Happy Birthday, my sweet daughter! Fifteen, a woman, a girl, a scholar, an artist, a commedienne and a fighter...You fill me with so much love, and I shall wish upon you a year full of whimsey and dance, excitement and growth, friendship and learning. May each and every one of your dreams come true, sweet one!
Love,
Your Mother

Jigsaw bodies....

As I lie here I find that without a doubt
My body was made to be with you...
The curve of my arm, fits you with such ease
My soft, white breast is waiting for your head to rest upon
Trace the curve of my neck--yes, there
It is exactly as that of the sway of your shoulder;
like a simple 60 piece jigsaw puzzle, your parts
Fit with mine perfectly piece by piece
Some parts sweet and soft and warm and fuzzy
Others bring lightening, thunder, sweat and fierceness
To mind, your mind
Is curious and romantic, yet mysterious and cool...
Am I a fool to notice that each piece fits tightly?
or are there a million other pieces that will do
Perhaps not as charged; or as solid; or as beloved or endearing
As the quintessential suitability of you...

Frosty the Snow Monster....

Okay, I'm not in the mood to be poetic--nor am I interested in even trying to write, so consider this blog a simple rant, and either read it or shut the fudge up...yes, I am not in a great mood, and that, my friend (or enemy, whichever) is a rarity for me. I am normally a witty and smile ridden gal, with little to ask for other than some fun and giggles once in a while. But why the hell didn't anyone bother to inform me that living in a town where it is colder than shit most of the time between the months of November and May...and, as in the case of today, we receive gifts from the heavens of over a foot of god awful mushy freezing and annoying crap called SNOW.
Of course no two snowflakes are alike, as they are made by non-human monsters in an attempt to make you smile when you first see them, all pretty and white...and then, months later, when your propane bill is a gazillion dollars (yes, I am aware that gazillion is not actually a number, you fool!), and the mere thought of trudging aimlessly to your car and driving, NO--SLIDING down the road to the local store to purchase some awful frozen food that is costing you three times what it would if you would have done some actual grocery shopping in town before this blizzard hit...is just too much to take. Thank god for canned soup and yogurt, which I awlays buy too much of...yogurt because it is yummy and good for me, and canned soup because isn't that what you are supposed to stock up on when on sale for a buck a can during the winter??? My mom would be proud...but if I have to eat one more can of that Cambell's "MMMmmm Good" friggin' soup, well...it won't be pretty.
Breathe....there, that's better. Oh, and to top it all off, I have insomnia...so I am surfing the internet aimlessly, trying to amuse my sleepless head whilst my eyes are so dry and tired that all I want to do is make a stiff drink and pass out...NOW THERE'S A GOOD IDEA!!! I wonder what Vanilla Vodka and Tomato juice will taste like? Screw that, i'll be a "real woman" and just have a good jigger of Vanilla Vodka, straight up...with a little Kahlua...and a bit of milk...and some ice...(and I'm not even gonna spell check, so there! We shall see if all of that tuition to a Catholic school was money well spent...god knows I've needed a shrink to get rid of the guilt it bestowed upon me...) Cheers...

Fall from grace...

I have taken a tumble
Fallen, long and quite hard
Stumbled from grace...
Not in God's eyes, whatever such meaning shall have
nor in yours so kindly blurred
But in the most wretched vision, lives
My grace within
And the broken shards of glass
Imbedded so deeply into my soul
Are beyond removal by mortal's hands
No surgeon can save this lost
This desensitized and scarred woman
What if there is no power greater than one's ego?
Yes, oh, have I fallen from grace
In the eyes of my own reflection...
And that, my fine friend
Cannot be fooled or tricked
By deception or manipulation
Which works so well on foolish men!
I fear that I shall never walk
Never hold myself in esteem again
My posture is broken and my questions
Forever unanswered, have fallen far
Away and unforseen, fallen now, perhaps
Forever from grace,
The grace of my own cheating heart...

Marjorie T.

Learning to walk again...

I don't know when I began to walk so fast down the rocky road
that my feet began to pain me and my eyes no longer were in focus
Never seeing what surrounds me
Not only running away, but towards the end
In feverish frenzy, I could think only of the next turn
When did I stop walking?
When did the destination become the goal...
I knew it was all I saw,
I knew it was all I could feel
I knew, yes, that it was each burning breathe and sunkist smile
Which my weary soul encountered that meant the most...
I just cannot seem to recall when the dancing became trudging
When the fear of the others on the road made my limbs tremble,
and my gait sped up so that my eyes
Did never even have the chance to find you
It was only because those tiny rocks
Made my feet hurt...because some of you walked so much better,
No! they were graceful, and I was merely a wobbly little baby
In comparision, I crawled...Just go fast, and you won't have to
Worry about the others, they don't matter THEY DO NOT...get to the end, ESCAPE!
Before another one grabs your hand and meets your gaze
And twirls you in circles and fills your soul
And drops your fingers, and breaks your precious, jaded heart...
Oh, please
Grab hold of my hands and ignore how they shake!
For they shall learn to squeeze back, and I shall try to
Walk tall, head up and arms steaded by your mighty love
And your strength, by your courage
And the mere presence of your captivating eyes embrace,
Never mocking, ever assuring
Always a sobering reminder of how short the road truly is
I shall try to reach out my aching arms
Making it that much easier for You to grab hold
Please, remind me, my love,
That these stones can be sparkling and beautiful, as diamonds
in the rough, that the true pain
Lies with reaching the end of the road alone...
That is where all of the fears and lies do gather
And now is when I remember truth
Amd my hands shake with longing as each
Hesitant finger reaches slowly out to meet yours, waiting...
I am ready now, take me and we shall dance along
Together, for as long as our lovely paths remain merged


Marjorie T.

So much more...

You say, "only this..."
but there is more, yes so much more
Let me hold you in my arms like a child
and sooth that weary soul, your mind
takes you to dark and hideous spaces, where..
I will love you like a man, my maternal arms never
letting go...Will you let go?
Tell me not to stop--to wait, I'll wait
Until the earth ceases to revolve
Let me know you are searching
This lie holds many plentiful truths!
Just whisper a tangible cry, one I can feel
I am, only this...bring me more
So much more, yes
Knowing you follow me not only on the surface
but far and deep, where I must wander
I won't let go, and these truths
Shall erase each solitary lie
Love me like the woman I am

Finding the Key Home

Sing me a slow song, sing me a hymm
for it's within your voice my home lies
You claim to be so different; unable and afraid
Yet we both know it's times like those
Times like those when we rest our weary souls
and bask in the warm glow we dare not name

Smile me a real grin, say my name across your mouth
for home lies here in your lips,
I think I know the answers, well at least maybe a few
And we both have been thinking that it's times like these
Times like these when our unafraid hearts know what to do
so hold on tight and trust in that nameless place

Sing me a love song, a silent lullaby
for it's within your brave, kind words my heart does lie
We are no longer two, but one for but a moment
You and I both know that it is these times, this time
Times like these, this time that love can bring us home...

Let your sweet, sweet voice take me home to your love
Bring me silent lullabies, I'll carry you home and hold you forever...
Be it near or far, you shall be home forever
We will be home together

By: Marjorie Tuttle

If I'm not a winner...

So, my favorite teenager and I were listening to music and discussing homeopathic medicine vs alopathic medicine; I had been, for years, a pretty strict follower of homeopathy--she asked if any of the remedies had the effects of a sort of 'LOVE POTION.'
After pondering specifics, I informed her that the chemical reaction to my brain of one particular remedy did, in fact, bring on a clearly romantic mood on one occasion. I then exclaimed that I had, in fact, had "My Chemical Romance!"
She looked at in a most pathetic way and exclaimed, "Oh my god, you're such a LOSER! You should have quit when you were ahead..." and walked out of the room.

Sudden realizations=Ironic truths

So, I'm kicking back with my favorite teenager, and checking out PATD concert photos...Then I casually ask her to fetch me my meds--"I haven't taken one, and I'm seriously about to have a panic attack." She chuckles and I ask why she always laughs at the phrase--to whicch she replies, "well you ARE looking at pictures of Panic at the Disco..." At that point I stated that I had been panicking long before PATD ever existed...She then inquired in a playful voice, "oh my god, have you ever HAD a panic attack at the 'disco'?" After sorting through some specifics (dance club vs disco, what type of music was actually playing, were the dancers there discoing?) we concluded that I, had in fact, "PANICKED AT THE DISCO."
She smiled, exclaiming, "YOU WIN AT LIFE!" and gave me the biggest, highest five :)...After basking in my momentary glory, I then spattered, "Really--my meds, please..." ?!?