One minute left...one life to wait

I have a moment,
one left this year...
I'm still searching, darling, but
you aren't here
Hurry...Hush...get into my head,
I wish you were with me...spending
midnight in my bed
But wishing is for fools
and lovers the like;
My dreams and my wanting can
just go take a hike...
four,three,two, one...
Happy?? Not yet....
Come on and stay, stay, stay
Ready, set...
Maybe in this, the New Year
You will search further, with
dilengence, and find me, my dear...
You are throbbing through my veins,
and my heart just won't break
So I shall write silly poems,
drink tears and pretend it
does not ache...
Are you searching, well, are you?
did you even start?
You never fooled me, not once,
with the pretense of your hardened
heart
Come on, and stay, stay, stay
Ready, Set
I'm not going away..no, not today
stupid rhymes without any good reason
You must believe THIS is our season
You may not trust it, but you must
never give up the search
For without you, there is not us
and without us there is
no me
Come on, come hither, or set
me free...don't set me free
Don't set me free
Ready, set...
Happy? Not yet

Here for the taking....

He wishes for a few more inches, well
to me he's a perfect fit...eye to eye,
cheek to cheek...open those baby browns,
Stop your wishing...she's right in front of you!
And as for magic, it shall be made...the berries
are fresh, sweet and ready to eat
Long silences followed by more...again, let
go of that sixty four
Why not take my hand and stroll
feel that soft sand beneath
your feet...wiggle those toes;
For a few blissful hours, forgetting our woes

Boy of my dreams

Sleep peacefully, Boy of my dreams
though I know not where you did go
I saw you, heard you and feel you still, aparently your reflection lives
quite peacefully in my tearful eyes;
Why did you promise so much? only to turn and hit delete
Sleep, but when you awaken you must finish what you begin...
Breaking my heart is not a random act--you, silly boy,
Know this more than the backs of your gifted hands
Pounding ivory like the beating of my heart,
Put down your weapons and fight! For the real war lies in
your hesitant heart...come back, my sleepy boy!
Come alive and paint rivers, touch my face and
Know that I might never hurt you
Once awakening has met your weary soul...
I cannot keep cutting and pasting and dreaming
You promised I wouldn't die without knowing
Why you sleep so peacefully, so still under guise of night
Dream boy, awaken now
Your tears are never forever, I promised you that much
Sleep peacefully, boy of my heart
Tis' time for deep breaths and vivid days!
We are waiting, forever truthful
Come alive and throw down your anonymous fear!
I promise, you know--I AM here--now and always

Happy Christmas to all....

If we all just do one little, teensie, selfless act while out today...maybe complimenting somebody, or paying for the car behind us at the toll plaza; well, it could really make this plastic filled space we survive in just a bit more tolerable.
Sure, it's not a new idea--but I personally forget to perform selfless random acts of kindness very often...just a thought!
May your day be filled with whatever it is that puts a smile on your face and fills your heart with a little warmth...

Happy Bday, The BIG family reunion and a long winded blog abouut long winded blogging...

Hey kids young and old! It's my birthday, and I'm feeling like Tony the Tiger...I took a long look in that lying, cunning and deceiving mirror, and my reflection was not so bad. I've got a naughty little sparkle in my eye, and a bounce in me step; who knew I would feel so fab today? I received one "happy bday" comment, a new follower, and a gift nobody else in the world has--a paper "Mr. Emo," wearing a top hat decorated as a birthday cake, very cool...The best present ever! Of course, a life sized cardboard cutout of my Mr. Emo would have been super awesome...but he just would have gotten soggy when we walked in the rain...and nobody likes a soggy Mr. Emo (unless he is soaking in his own tears.) But for now I can keep him in my pocket--or tuck him close to my heart. Very low maintenance...
Tonight, that crazy family which I am forever trying to show how to add that FUN into dysfunction, is all going to attend the yearly reunion, led by My Paternal Unit. It has grown this year, my neice and nephew got married, and that makes about 22 clashingly competitive personalities all at the same party! What more fun can one possibly want? Okay, I secretly hope for a loving, supportive, accepting and emotionally available lot--but have given up on that a long time ago.
The kids are so awesome! They are in love with everything around them this time of year; from the warm, colorful lighting displays, to the piles of gifts, even their Auntie Marjorie uncontrolably pinching their chubby lil' cheeks :) Nothing is better than singing Holiday songs with them, and watching them tear off the wrapping paper, and squeel in delight! Truly a gift that warms my heart...
Oh, I was reading a new (new to me) blog, and was enjoying the one to three sentence entries which got right to the point of how this cat felt on any particular day...emotionally charged, yet short and sweet...oh, how I wish I had that ability! But in the great words of Popeye, I yam who I yam...
I'll be looking forward to all of those birthday greetings I hope I might get...wish me luch with that crazy bunch of kids I call my family...and when I say crazy, I just might mean certifiable...

December Birthdays suck bigtime...Happy Birthday, Marjorie!

Okay, here's betting that I get maybe two phone calls--one card--and a bunch of
"special combination birthday/xmas gifts" that only December babies get...Let us just face facts: being born four days before Jesus is just some crappy luck; first off, everyone is busy, attending parties and such, so throwing on yourself is simply setting oneself up for disappointment...and, truthfully, many people are just el-cheapo's...they've already dropped a whopping $20 on a Christmas gift that I'll be getting in a few days--why not just tape on a B-day card and make it that "One extra special gift..." that covers both days? Like I care--okay, I CARE! Not so much about the gifts, but I hate it when people are just too frazzled to remember to call me, and remind me that I am getting older, and that they wish me a year filled with denying that depressing fact.
So, if anyone out there in cyberspace cares, or doesn't care but would like to wish a depressed, often forgotten December babe a "Happy Birthday," I would truly appreciate it...okay, I'll pay you a few bucks...take you out to lunch...or better yet, never complain about another thing again on my blog!!! Okay, maybe I can't live up to all of that, but I would surely be your friend for the day :) December 21st is approaching fast, one day and counting...

Footnote: Due to my favorite teenager's love of Fall Out Boy, which I share with her to an EXTENT, if I hear Folie a' Duex one more fother mucking time I shall tear my silky blonde hair out by it's roots!!! Dam you repeat button! Peace out...

Colder than a witch's titty!!!!

One thought: thank god I am hopping on that plane in a few hours and escaping this Arctic, butt-cold, slippery, freezing place!!! But I managed to actually use my camera phone--first time for everything--to capture one of the more spectacular phenomena of winter in the Mountains near Flagstaff, cool ICYCLES! Goodbye, icycles, slippery roads, frozen butts!!! See you in about 10 days!!!

IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, YOU MUST BE A COTTON-HEADED NINNYMUGGINS!!!

LOOK, IT'S A BRAT DOLL!!! WAIT, A GIRL BRAT? BOY BRAT? TRANNIE BRAT? WHY, IT'S THAT SWEETIE PIE BILLY KAULITZ FROM TOKIO HOTEL, AND A SPITTIN' IMAGE (NO PUN INTENDED!)...RIGHT DOWN TO THE TEENSIE TINY BLACK AND WHITE FINGERNAILS...IS IT TOO LATE TO PUT ONE ON MY WISH LIST TO SANTA? I'VE BEEN AN AWFULLY GOOD GIRL...BUT THEN AGAIN, WHEN I'M BAD, I'M BETTER...
TWO DAYS UNTIL I'M LEAVING ON A JET PLANE...ACTUALLY, FIRST ON A SMALL PUDDLE JUMPER, THEN ONTO A JET PLANE TO SAN FRANCISCO...I LEFT MY HEART THERE, ALONG WITH SEVERAL OTHER THINGS. CAN'T WAIT TO GO, THE SNOW IS HORRENDOUS; TWO AND A HALF FEET OF FRESHLY FALLEN WHITE STUFF, AND I WOULD BREAK UP WITH THE DUDE WHO DOES THE SHOVELING...CAN'T WAIT TO SEE FAMILY--AND HANG OUT IN BEZERKELY!! HAVEN'T PACKED YET; BUT I DO MY BEST WORK ON A DEADLINE.
THREE DAYS UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY...JOY. OKAY, I'M NOT GETTING OLDER, I'M GETTING BETTER...NOT OLDER, BETTER...MY NEW CHANT. HEY, I'VE STAYED OUT OF THE DIRECT SUNLIGHT MOST OF MY LIFE, OR APPLIED SUNSCREEN, AND I GOT CARDED AT THE LAST CONCERT I WENT TO...HAVE I TOLD YOU THAT ALREADY? I THINK I'M GETTING "SOMETIMERS"....

My Own Winterland....

The cold seeped through my single paned window making it's way to my face, eyes closed angel
It awakens me with a tickle and a nudge
"hey, take a looksie out here...it IS beginning!"
As I sweep away my slumber and the curtains with one awkward push, a Christmas card appears before my eyes...my own beautiful scenic view, borrowed for this moment to whisper through all of my hesitation.
Mounds of white tug on every branch, each needle wieghed down so far and to the point of almost breaking; inch upon foot of winter's dust splashed about like a perfect polaroid...God's candid shot
Silence, perfected...where did the birds go? They, too, are in awe...song tied by this lovely swaggering which winter displays! Your boasting serves as a reminder
This is why I choose to stay...this bleak, happy, cold, perfection
Winterland, warm my adamantine heart!

A Special Holiday Blog--tell someone you love them today!

I'M CERTAIN THAT I AM NOT ALONE WHEN FEELING THE WEIGHT OF EXPECTATIONS DURING THE HOLIDAYS; TRUTH BE TOLD, I HAVE BEEN GOING THRU SOME HARD TIMES, AND EMOTIONALLY I HAVE HAD BETTER DAYS. WITHOUT BORING YOU WITH DETAILS OF MY LONELY LIFE, THE FACT IS WHO I HAD, FOR A FEW WONDERFUL AND BREATHTAKING YEARS, THOUGHT TO BE MY SOULMATE...IS...NOT. AND WE ARE APART FOR THE FIRST HOLIDAY SEASON IN A LONG TIME...I AM, BY NATURE, A FAIRLY HAPPY GIRL; BUT APPARENTLY I NEED MORE "LOVE" THAN HE HAS TO GIVE, AND ALTHOUGH ON AN INTELLECTUAL LEVEL I AM QUITE AWARE THAT THIS IS, NO DOUBT, HIS FUCKING LOSS--I HAVE BEEN BLESSED, AND CURSED--WITH THE NEED TO FEEL THINGS THROUGH EMOTIONALLY IN ORDER TO PROCESS THEM, ALONG WITH THE ABILITY TO PICK UP ON OTHER'S FEELINGS...A GIFT FROM MY SWEET NANA, BLESS HER HEART. SHE, HOWEVER, HAD THE COMPLIMENTARY KNOWLEDGE OF HOW TO EXIST HAPPILY ON A DAILY BASIS INSPITE OF, AND WITH AWESOME ENJOYMENT OF THESE RARELY TALKED ABOUT OCCURANCES...
SO, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, I WILL SIMPLY SAY THAT I HAVE BEEN SLAPPED RIGHT OUT OF MY OWN PIT OF WOE; THE TRUTH I CHOOSE TO SEE TODAY IS THAT I ALMOST LOST MY CHILD THREE YEARS AGO; IF NOT FOR A TRUE MIRACLE, SHE WOULD HAVE, MOST UNDENIABLY BLED TO DEATH AFTER A HORRIFIC AUTOMOBILE CRASH IN WHICH SHE SUSTAINED A LIST OF INJURIES THAT KEPT HER HOSPITALIZED FOR SIX WEEKS, PERMANENTLY SCARRED, FOREVER DEALING WITH POST TRAUMATIC ARTHRITIS, AND THE BRAVEST GIRL I HAVE EVER HAD THE HONOR OF KNOWING...THE FACTS ARE THAT MY SISTER'S DAUGHTER, AT THE TENDER AGE OF THREE, WAS DIAGNOSED WITH LEUKEMIA, AND THAT AFTER OVER TWO YEARS OF RIGOROUG CHEMOTHERAPY AND DAILY SUFFERING FROM THE SIDE EFFECTS, SHE IS, THIS HOLIDAY SEASON, FOURTEEN MONTHS OFF TREATMENT AND A HEALTHY SIX YEAR OLD...SO, AS I READ MY SISTER'S WORDS WHICH SHE SHARED FROM HER HEART ON HER DAUGHTER'S BLOG, MY OWN EPIPHANY HAS ENLIGHTENED MY SPIRIT, AND TO WHOMEVER MIGHT READ THIS, I SHALL SHARE IT WITH YOU! BE IT FEELING ABIT FRAZZLED, OR SO LOATHSOME AND AWFUL THAT LIFE ITSELF SEEMS REDUNDANT, PLEASE, ALLOW THE FOLLOWING TO ENCOURAGE YOU! PEACE, LOVE, AND ALL THE BEST BE UNTO YOU!

FROM MARIELLE'S BLOG, DATED 12/2008:
I remembered back 3 years...December 2005. Marielle has only been diagnosed 3 months before, she was still getting pretty hard hitting chemo. I remember thinking, 'This could be her last Christmas'. It's a thought no parent should ever have to think. And in case you think I'm being dramatic, the truth is that only 80% of the kids make it and you just don't know if your kid will fall into that 80% or not.

And you wonder every holiday, will this be the last?

It's not something you ever want to think about but you have to when you have a child with cancer.

And so I sat down at the computer and compiled pictures of the last 3 Christmas seasons. And they've been running as my screen saver. Marielle isn't too thrilled by it, honestly. She keeps saying, 'That's when I had fat cheeks and didn't look very good'. Yeah, baby, that's why they are up there. They are mommy's reality check.

See, it doesn't matter if you have the perfect tree, it doesn't matter if Christmas carols are playing in the back ground, you don't need the perfect Christmas gift, all you really need is your family....there....with you....alive and breathing.

And the next time the kids are fighting and you are at your wits end and you feel like you are going to scream...well, step back for 1 minute and be thankful...thankful for the noise of fighting and for all the holiday bedlam, because it could be a lot worse. You could be listening to the sound of emptiness.

And that's my reality check. We are the lucky ones. We have both our kids alive and well with us this holiday season. And I know many people who don't. People who wish they could, for one more day, for one more hour, for one more minute, hold their child and tell him or her just how much they are loved......and missed

Who's on Phooson?

Okay, take a washed up expopstar kid, clean him up and teach him some half assed dance moves; throw in a semi amusing but all to overplayed pop singer who croons about kissing a girl; add a handful of scantily dressed twenty something "hotties" who can dance but not sing; sprinkle with a boy band composed off twin bros, one who is a wanna be gansta, the other a LIVING DOLL whom I personally would love to adopt as my gay son; drop onto that two FBR bands, one with a hot lead singer who makes even this thirty something year old woman fog up her sunglasses, and the other with a bassist who's ego is the size of Texas (still love ya, Pete!)....toss together with one of the biggest R&B, POP, Rocker Females of the past few years, and what do you get??? PHOOSON, BABY! 2008...And I was there, witth the shrouds of teenie boppers, parents, horny guys and half dressed gals...shit, when did people stop smoking pot at concerts and start drinking $15 mixed drinks???

I don't know what was more amusing, watching the fifty something year old dude in front of me get his girlfriend plowed, (I thought for tthe first ten minutes she was his favorrite daughter--NOT true!) and then use his $300 Sharper Image binoculars to drool over the Pussy Cat Dolls, yes, whilst doing something with his hips I swear SHOULD be illegal in most states...OR...Jesse McCartney, boy wonderr turned rapper, wardrobe inspired by the newest Ryan Ross look,, yes--he wore a suit and tie...actually turn around and GRAB HIS PACKAGE ONSTAGE! It brought tears of something to my eyes--thank gawd,, for they helped wash out the bad taste it left in my eyeballs!!

The most fun for me was screaming and singing while enjoying those yummy little boys from Dueschland, Tokio Hotel, pound out "Ready, Set,, Go!" and seeing Billy K.'s doll like beauty shine through while crooning,, "Monsoon"....And, without compare, the highlight of the night: Four fab Chicago Boi's rocking my soul to tunes old and new...FOB was HOTTTT...and shame on those rude tweens for screaming and interruputing the sweet sound of Patricks voice each and every time the monitor would flash a friggin' shot of Mr. Wentz...I mean,, HOW RUDE! But I forgave them, for after all, it is almost Christmas!!

Oh, and I must give a huge shout out to Rihana, who's live rendition of "Dysturbia" was simply awesome...a song that could have easily made my, "I'm so sick of hearing this on Syrius and seeing the video on the television" list, but due to the hugely successful live on stage production,, it was simply breathtaking...

Yes, one last thank you to John Jay and Rich, the DJs who put this whole festival in December together...right on, men! I shall surely drive three hours and get my very first speeding ticket ever on the way home next year to see what you put together for Phooson 2009! Happiest of Holidays to all!

It left a bad taste in my eyeballs...

Jesse McCartney grabbed his "manbits" on stage Friday night. I threw up a little, but managed to swallow it for the sake of the teenies...

These Days...

I just enjoyed a powered up blast from the past on Itunes, after checking out the member's of Fall Out Boy's music playlists...very cool blast, needed that. These days I am finding it difficult to appreciate all of the genres; I think that anyone, no matter their age, who has been exposed to and has a hankering for good music from, oh, say the 1960's,70's,80's into the early nineties can dig what I'm saying...Not that there aren't some killer artists out their; there obvious are. But, for example, I am going to a Festival in Phoenix (I live up in high country, at 7100 feet, near Flagstaff) Friday. I'm taking a sweet teenager I know well, and we are going to see the following so called "artists":
1. Rihanna
2. Fall Out Boy
3. Tokio Hotel
4. Katy Perry
5. Pussycat Dolls
6. Jesse McCartney
7. The Academy Is...
8. Secondhand Seranade
9. We The Kings
(these are in completely random order)
Now, without dissin' anyone, I will simply say that I will totally love hearing/seeing three of these bands/artists...On the other hand, I will be joyously amused at seeing several others...I openly admit to wanting to adopt one as my gay son; I will be snickering at one, openly laughing at another, and dancing along with most...just because thats the way I roll...
I shall tell you how the festivities unfolded after the gig! At the least, I will be somewhat entertained...and, hopefully, MORE...My Mama always taught me to hope for the best, prepare for the worst...bringing my IPOD along...
Oh, that wonderful teenager that I am accompanying to the show told me this joke, and I wanted to share it...I thought it was quite witty, but then again, I openly admit to being demented...

Question: IF YOUR RIGHT LEG IS THANKSGIVING, AND YOUR LEFT LEG
IS CHRISTMAS, CAN I VISIT YOU BETWEEN THE HOLIDAYS???

teehee...those naughty teenagers! ;) Peace...Marjorie

Last Night I dreamt somebody loved me

It was cold, but we were warm with silliness, sarcasm and not once
did I hear the words "shut up"
I was blushing, but hid it well, as you reminded me of the ridiculous way I think, yet in your eye was the gleam of acceptance.
We jostled in tongues, laughted at nothing, and sat in complete silence; yet never did I feel as If I needed to fake that lie, those hideous lies;
So real, not foggy, or freaky, or feverish...
That upon wakening
upon opening my eyes, this reality was the dream, if only for half a breath...then my lungs burned with awakening, and I knew it was only a memory of slumber
Maybe I'll try to sleep again tonight
Insomnia is my best friend, you have a huge fight on your hands!
Maybe again tonight...

A Pessimistic day?

I just want to hop a plane to the Caribbean--no, better yet, a Grand Cruise ship, one where I can get lost amongst the crowds of optimistic, sunshiny faces and just chill. I don't want another birthday to arrive, but it's creeping up, sneekily and cunningly, like a fucking rash...three weeks. I used to LOVE bdays; party!!! I simply adored throwing a good raging gig, with embarrisingly outrageous decorations and even more fun, great games like "pass the orange" and "strip twister."
Loud, tenatious music and invite my friends and my enemies (we all need someone to make fun of...). But this year, I just don't want to have a Birthday. Not unless I can go back a few years to when they were exciting--and I still believed in "true love,"...back before my jaded soul and sarcastic tongue existed, and beauty was all I saw when I opened my eyes each day...is this too much to wish for? Was there ever a time when my stomach didn't feel tied up into gigantic knots at the mere thought of faking a smile and when I ACTUALLY DIDN'T FAKE ANYTHING, EVER? Okay, some things are still true...I'll get back to you when I've thought of them. Peace, all you silent lovers and silly children. My child withing wants to play--but be careful, and be fair, or she'll chase you down and she bites; just remember that love is a four letter word, and treat everyone today as if...you know. Peace.