I'M CERTAIN THAT I AM NOT ALONE WHEN FEELING THE WEIGHT OF EXPECTATIONS DURING THE HOLIDAYS; TRUTH BE TOLD, I HAVE BEEN GOING THRU SOME HARD TIMES, AND EMOTIONALLY I HAVE HAD BETTER DAYS. WITHOUT BORING YOU WITH DETAILS OF MY LONELY LIFE, THE FACT IS WHO I HAD, FOR A FEW WONDERFUL AND BREATHTAKING YEARS, THOUGHT TO BE MY SOULMATE...IS...NOT. AND WE ARE APART FOR THE FIRST HOLIDAY SEASON IN A LONG TIME...I AM, BY NATURE, A FAIRLY HAPPY GIRL; BUT APPARENTLY I NEED MORE "LOVE" THAN HE HAS TO GIVE, AND ALTHOUGH ON AN INTELLECTUAL LEVEL I AM QUITE AWARE THAT THIS IS, NO DOUBT, HIS FUCKING LOSS--I HAVE BEEN BLESSED, AND CURSED--WITH THE NEED TO FEEL THINGS THROUGH EMOTIONALLY IN ORDER TO PROCESS THEM, ALONG WITH THE ABILITY TO PICK UP ON OTHER'S FEELINGS...A GIFT FROM MY SWEET NANA, BLESS HER HEART. SHE, HOWEVER, HAD THE COMPLIMENTARY KNOWLEDGE OF HOW TO EXIST HAPPILY ON A DAILY BASIS INSPITE OF, AND WITH AWESOME ENJOYMENT OF THESE RARELY TALKED ABOUT OCCURANCES...
SO, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, I WILL SIMPLY SAY THAT I HAVE BEEN SLAPPED RIGHT OUT OF MY OWN PIT OF WOE; THE TRUTH I CHOOSE TO SEE TODAY IS THAT I ALMOST LOST MY CHILD THREE YEARS AGO; IF NOT FOR A TRUE MIRACLE, SHE WOULD HAVE, MOST UNDENIABLY BLED TO DEATH AFTER A HORRIFIC AUTOMOBILE CRASH IN WHICH SHE SUSTAINED A LIST OF INJURIES THAT KEPT HER HOSPITALIZED FOR SIX WEEKS, PERMANENTLY SCARRED, FOREVER DEALING WITH POST TRAUMATIC ARTHRITIS, AND THE BRAVEST GIRL I HAVE EVER HAD THE HONOR OF KNOWING...THE FACTS ARE THAT MY SISTER'S DAUGHTER, AT THE TENDER AGE OF THREE, WAS DIAGNOSED WITH LEUKEMIA, AND THAT AFTER OVER TWO YEARS OF RIGOROUG CHEMOTHERAPY AND DAILY SUFFERING FROM THE SIDE EFFECTS, SHE IS, THIS HOLIDAY SEASON, FOURTEEN MONTHS OFF TREATMENT AND A HEALTHY SIX YEAR OLD...SO, AS I READ MY SISTER'S WORDS WHICH SHE SHARED FROM HER HEART ON HER DAUGHTER'S BLOG, MY OWN EPIPHANY HAS ENLIGHTENED MY SPIRIT, AND TO WHOMEVER MIGHT READ THIS, I SHALL SHARE IT WITH YOU! BE IT FEELING ABIT FRAZZLED, OR SO LOATHSOME AND AWFUL THAT LIFE ITSELF SEEMS REDUNDANT, PLEASE, ALLOW THE FOLLOWING TO ENCOURAGE YOU! PEACE, LOVE, AND ALL THE BEST BE UNTO YOU!
FROM MARIELLE'S BLOG, DATED 12/2008:
I remembered back 3 years...December 2005. Marielle has only been diagnosed 3 months before, she was still getting pretty hard hitting chemo. I remember thinking, 'This could be her last Christmas'. It's a thought no parent should ever have to think. And in case you think I'm being dramatic, the truth is that only 80% of the kids make it and you just don't know if your kid will fall into that 80% or not.
And you wonder every holiday, will this be the last?
It's not something you ever want to think about but you have to when you have a child with cancer.
And so I sat down at the computer and compiled pictures of the last 3 Christmas seasons. And they've been running as my screen saver. Marielle isn't too thrilled by it, honestly. She keeps saying, 'That's when I had fat cheeks and didn't look very good'. Yeah, baby, that's why they are up there. They are mommy's reality check.
See, it doesn't matter if you have the perfect tree, it doesn't matter if Christmas carols are playing in the back ground, you don't need the perfect Christmas gift, all you really need is your family....there....with you....alive and breathing.
And the next time the kids are fighting and you are at your wits end and you feel like you are going to scream...well, step back for 1 minute and be thankful...thankful for the noise of fighting and for all the holiday bedlam, because it could be a lot worse. You could be listening to the sound of emptiness.
And that's my reality check. We are the lucky ones. We have both our kids alive and well with us this holiday season. And I know many people who don't. People who wish they could, for one more day, for one more hour, for one more minute, hold their child and tell him or her just how much they are loved......and missed
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