A Pessimistic day?

I just want to hop a plane to the Caribbean--no, better yet, a Grand Cruise ship, one where I can get lost amongst the crowds of optimistic, sunshiny faces and just chill. I don't want another birthday to arrive, but it's creeping up, sneekily and cunningly, like a fucking rash...three weeks. I used to LOVE bdays; party!!! I simply adored throwing a good raging gig, with embarrisingly outrageous decorations and even more fun, great games like "pass the orange" and "strip twister."
Loud, tenatious music and invite my friends and my enemies (we all need someone to make fun of...). But this year, I just don't want to have a Birthday. Not unless I can go back a few years to when they were exciting--and I still believed in "true love,"...back before my jaded soul and sarcastic tongue existed, and beauty was all I saw when I opened my eyes each day...is this too much to wish for? Was there ever a time when my stomach didn't feel tied up into gigantic knots at the mere thought of faking a smile and when I ACTUALLY DIDN'T FAKE ANYTHING, EVER? Okay, some things are still true...I'll get back to you when I've thought of them. Peace, all you silent lovers and silly children. My child withing wants to play--but be careful, and be fair, or she'll chase you down and she bites; just remember that love is a four letter word, and treat everyone today as if...you know. Peace.